The following notes are based on the full episode available here.
What’s the secret behind couples who have remained deeply and passionatly in love even after decades?
People seem to think that the key is Similarity, but the truth is more profound:
- Shared values but not shared personalities: If one of you gets angry easily it’s not better if both of you get angry at the same time.
- People get more similar over time – both physically and mentally.
4 pillars to make a relationship OK:
- Yourself:
- If your’re anxious, depressed or insecure try therapy or meditation;
- Low Self-esteem undermines the relationship → if your partner compliments you, try to think it abstractly and what he means with it.
- Communication Skills → feeling that you are heard and that your partner understands you; being responsive to your partner:
- Conflict handling skills → try to think of it as a 3rd person’s perspetctive who’s neutral.
- Family and friends – External social approval of family and friends.
- External conditions / Stress → if you are under stress you don’t behave as well. Having that in mind during your interactions with your partner should help when things don’t go as expected.
Advice for getting an OK relationship to another level (rekindling love):
- Reserve time together:
- It matters that you’re being playful during the time spent together (quality time over quantity);
- Self expansion through engaging life experience done together – choose exciting activities over pleasant ones: kayaking , cooking classes, sky diving (it also seems to make your sex life better).
- Physical contact and Sex life:
- No need to over do it: sex once a week seems to be enough for most couples;
- Physical touch is as important as sex.
- Deep friendships with another couples.
- Putting your attention on the relationship.
- Expressing and feeling gratitude.
- Celebrating your partner’s successes: it matters even more than supporting your partner when things go badly.
Are there signs that a relationship can’t be salvaged?
For Dr. Arthur Aron that’s a tough question to anwser but from his point of view almost any relationship can be salvaged and worked through. Unless you’re in an abusive relation or with deeper problems like alcoholism, there seems to be hope, under the right tools and efforts.