A fundamental assumption: “this book is about how we understand and relate to our experience of reality. It is not about the nature of reality.”
Short Summary
Bruce Tift’s article explores the concept of freedom from both Western and Buddhist perspectives. In the West, freedom is often seen as an absence of limitations, but Tift argues that this view falls short. Freedom, according to him, includes qualities such as contentment, expansiveness, openheartedness, and open awareness. It is an inherently satisfying and meaningful experience that is not dependent on external circumstances. Tift also suggests that many of our goals, such as good health or money, are seen as conditions that will bring about a greater good, rather than as an end in themselves. This approach negates freedom, as it suggests that we need something to be happy and content.
The Western approach to well-being is focused on improving oneself and one’s circumstances, which can limit our power to govern our feelings. Tift argues that the root cause of most issues with his clients is that they all have a basic sense of dissatisfaction based on the idea that “something is missing”. In contrast, the Buddhist approach asserts that how we relate to whatever we’re experiencing is more important than the experience itself. The focus is on inviting a shift in perspective so that we are willing and able to fully relate to any experience we might have, regardless of what it may be.
To become enlightened, Tift suggests that we start by accepting things as they are, without judgment. This allows us to detach from our emotions by being in the moment with an unjudgmental attitude. The more we start accepting things as simply being, without good or bad, the more we can transcend our selves as well. Tift also suggests that both Western and Buddhist approaches have their benefits, and they can be even more useful in conjunction. He invites his clients to consider a two-step sequence of acceptance and then improving their situation or experience.
Overall, Tift suggests that the experience of freedom is not about improving oneself or one’s circumstances, but about accepting things as they are and being present in the moment. By doing so, we can dissolve our internal divisions and transcend our pain. Tift’s article provides valuable insights into the concept of freedom and how we can achieve it in our lives.
Favorite Quotes from Each Chapter
THE DEVELOPMENTAL VIEW
- “We’re operating as if we’re still young children in our families of origin, especially in the realm of relationships”
- “So all children have to deal with a certain amount of experience that is just too intense; that cannot be properly digested because of their immaturity as little beings. If, on the whole, parent are able to protect their child and if the intensity of the child’s experience is not too much, then the child learns to handle reality quite adequately. Some Western therapists would say such a child had an adequate holding environment” (…) Most of us did not grow up in such a fortunate environment, “we learned to show up in each moment with some amount of defensiveness already in place (…) we do “our best to no have to consciously participate in what is most terrifying or overwhelming.”
- “We feel there’s a part of us that is problematic and even dangerous; shameful or embarrassing; unworthy of love from others. To fit into our emotional world, ou unique family system, ou culture, our gender, and so forth, we turn against this part of ourselves and push it ou of awareness.”
- Being alienated and disconnected from life doesn’t feel goo, and so we suffer. What we don’t understand is that we’re the ones choosing – with very good reason – to put up the wall. It’s not happening to us; we’re doing it ourselves.
- As adults, we all seem to want to resolve our neuroses, but we don’t understand that we have an incredible investment in maintaining them.
- And that becomes exactly our work: to acknowledge and be kind toward the feelings they’ve been running away from since childhood, as well as towards not wanting to feel those feelings.
“… most of us actually have an investment in making ourselves the problem.”
“neurosis is always a substitute for experiential intensity. I say that because we ten to contract away from not only pain but also aliveness, sexuality, joy, open awareness and a number of other intense experiences.”
“to increase our willingness to consciously participate in any form of experiential intensity. Central to this effort is learning to recognize and challenge our life-long aggression toward our vulnerabilities and instead learn to practice kindness toward them.”
THE FRUITIONAL VIEW
“The discussion of a Buddhist psychotherapeutic view is not easy, because it refers to experiences that are difficult to describe with language. The term fruition itself is hard to define. Broadly, it refers to the goal or outcome of a particular endeavor—in this case, developing a good state of mind that’s independent of external and internal conditions. The fruitional or Buddhist view asserts that the state of mind we’re seeking is already present, right now, regardless of circumstance. By contrast to the developmental or Western view, which focuses on releasing old strategies in order to achieve the freedom we seek at some point in the future, the fruitional view takes the position that we’re already free. Nothing needs to change for us to feel complete and at peace except our own perception of reality. The term fruitional, as I’m using it, comes from the view that a spiritual journey can be described as having ground, path, and fruition. This ground, path, fruition model is useful in helping us explore the hypothesis that everything we need in order to have a good state of mind is already present, right now.”
ALL RELATIVE EXPERIENCE IS RELATIONAL
“…while codependency appears to get us what we want in the short run, it actually leads to deterioration in the quality of the relationship over time.”
“Taking care of ourselves includes setting boundaries and communicating them to our partner.” “The point is to begin asserting personal responsibility in the relationship”
“most of us have not yet decided to take responsibility for our vulnerabilities, our disturbances and our uncertainty in how to live. For this reason , many couples allow their codependency to progress to the point where it has caused significant damage to the relationship.”
RELATIONSHIP AS AN EVOLVING PATH
4 STAGES → prepersonal, personal, interpersonal and the non-personal
“Each stage can be understood as representing a different attitude toward our already-existing basic nature of open awareness and freedom. (…) From this point of view, each stage is not really about soma past wound or historic conditioning. Nor is it about some future ability that we want to have. It’s really about our choices, in each moment, to at least practice being fully present and open – or not – and the variety of ways in which we pretend we don’t have a choice at all.”
The Prepersonal
“Whatever the circumstances, we take the position that there’s some obstacle blocking our ability to make evolutionary change.”
The Personal
“[We must] use ongoing daily life experiences to practice strengthning the attitude of personal responsibility “
“As we develop a more and more conscious relationship with our fears, we find that pretty much everything we experience is workable.”
The Interpersonal
“Our self-absorption has decreased to the point at which we actually become more interested in others and in the world than we are in our own identity dramas.”
“Uncertainty becomes a source of creativity and not a problem to be solved.”
The Nonpersonal
“Not knowing who we are has become much more interesting than maintaining a familiar personal identity.”
“Each stage arises from a different attitude we take between self and other. In the prepersonal, we relate to other as both threat and savior, as parent. In the personal, we relate to other as adult partner; as equal. In the interpersonal, we relate to other as never-fully-understood friend and as an opportunity to practice compassion. And in the nonpersonal, other becomes another manifestation of life and mystery, just as we are ourselves.”
“To free ourselves from our identification with our conditioned history and from our investment in a familiar sense of self, we may need a conscious, embodied relationship with exactly the feelings we’ve dedicated most of our lives to avoiding.”
“This is the foundation of effective selfishness. We are willing to treat ourselves so well-to have such effective boundaries, to protect our integrity, to advocate for what we want, to have conflict when necessary —that, strangely enough, we can keep our hearts open to our partners without requiring them to change.”
A GOOD STATE OF MIND REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCE
“We begin to understand that a workable mind is even more reliable and important than workable circumstances.”
“We learn that we really only have our own unique version of being human to offer to the world.”
“Discard nothing, appreciate everything. Look for wakefulness, look for compassion, and look for freedom in every moment of your life. Look for these energies in every moment, whether you’re experiencing anger, hunger, depression, or joy. If you look for what’s already there, you are likely to find it. And I feel confident in saying that the experience of freedom is, in fact, already there.“